The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
