"it" just moved
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
