my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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