loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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