I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
