i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
