I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
