so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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