I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
