the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
