Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
