She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
