I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
