halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
organizing the empties. That sober.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.