I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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