You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
