His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
