32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
