Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Shame is for Republicans.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
