So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
