Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is Oprah even human
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
