Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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