You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
