Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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