We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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