he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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