i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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