my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
