Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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