She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
