Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
