I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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