Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
