i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize