I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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