i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The adults are the big ones right?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
