I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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