So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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