Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
