Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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