The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think pants incapable of making pants work
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
