The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
false alarm. still invincible.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
