When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
