he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
