Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
