i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
