Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
