I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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