How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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