Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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