i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
