He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs feel like baby dolphins
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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